12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
