Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
