Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
