You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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