cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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