College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
