kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
