Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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