please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
