When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
