I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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