But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
