Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize