i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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