He called his prostate his "boner button".
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
