You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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