I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
