the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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