I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
