So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My feet surprised me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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