I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
