Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
