Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
