i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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