It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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