Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
