I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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