exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
