she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
