I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize