So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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