I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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