Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
