I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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