I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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