I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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