Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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