My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
