it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize