I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
