No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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