Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
