This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
sarcasm needs its own font
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
