Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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