i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
