if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
