its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
