You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i dont even know how to be here
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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