You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
