She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
