Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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