We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
