This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
