when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
