omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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